Press Release

March 31, 2012

SUSTAINABLE SHAFT PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO FRAUD CHARGE

by Frank Peters

Philadelphia, PA – Sustainable Shaft, the Fortune 500 consumer goods corporation whose slogan “Need A Lift?” has become synonymous with alternative energy sources, pled not guilty today in a Philadelphia courtroom over allegations that it uses placebos in its so-called “bio-fueled” products.

Protestors calling themselves the Bio Liberation Army (BLA) descended upon City Hall this week to express outrage over Sustainable Shaft’s alleged obfuscation of facts surrounding the active ingredients in its products. Chanting, “Sustainable Shaft or Box Copuli?” the BLA called for the immediate release of Sustainable Shaft’s proprietary formulas. Citing evidence that Sustainable Shaft is not an authorized affiliate of the World Energy Mandate (WEM), the protestors also allege that the company embezzled corporate profits into a sensual meditation cult known as The Orgophillians. While there has been no evidence to suggest Sustainable Shaft’s affiliation with the meditation group, one BLA protester stated, “The public has the right to know what’s in their home computers and protein shakes.”

In response to the protests, Sustainable Shaft CEOs Xamonia Zish and Hula Turner released the following statement earlier today:

“Sustainable Shaft translates green energy into REAL dollars for community development. Our patented formula powers everything from elevators to home appliances and our products are the number one energy solution for the 21st Century.”

Sources say another BLA protest is scheduled during Sustainable Shaft’s next community outreach event on Friday, April 6th at the company’s headquarters located at 319 North 11th Street. Zish and Turner will reportedly be present to unveil the company’s new energy drink and talk with consumers about positive energy solutions for the future.